Kent Man Wins "Obscure Band Naming" Bee
Independent record store clerks from around the world gathered somewhere (if you need to ask where, it means you're not cool enough to be told) today for one of the hottest dates on the music obsessive's calendar, the annual Obscure Band Naming Bee.
Competitors take turns to name favourite bands. The opponent must nod their head cooly, or even better, roll their eyes at how obvious and banal the choice is. If the opponent displays any sign of confusion, it will be suggested that they have never heard of the band in question and they will be eliminated. Some competitors attempt to fake prior knowledge of the band but this is a risky game, as they may be asked light trivia questions to prove it, such as "Name five staff members of the label at which this band released their third EP" and so on. Failure to answer correctly results in being forced to wear an "I Heart Barry Manilow" t-shirt for the rest of the occasion.
Today's competition got off to a rocky start when an early favourite attempted Toad The Wet Sprocket which earned hoots of derision from the crowd. "Toad The Wet Sprocket?" crowed a judge. "Obscure? Their 1992 single Walk On The Ocean reached 18 on the Billboard Hot 100! They're practically Abba."
All day long the amphitheatre rang to piercing cries of "Archers Of Loaf" and "Brave Saint Saturn" and noobs who thought they could actually stump people with "The Eighties Matchbox B-line Disaster". One poor soul was almost lynched after trying Nirvana but was given a stay of execution when he explained that he meant the earlier English band Nirvana from 1967. One entrant was destroying all-comers with Cat's Howl Over Macadam but was eventually disqualified as it turned out he had just made it up, a repeat of last year's Cry Of The Chinese Bowling Slippers fiasco.
But we were left with a tight match up between Parrish Barkley of Kent and Christina Keen, also from Kent. Christina opened with a quick one-two combo of Sleepytime Gorilla Museum and My Life With The Thrill Kill Cult, before following up with a Thee Michelle Gun Elephant which Barkley took in his stride. Barkley in his turn went old school, tossing Strawberry Alarm Clock and Atomic Rooster at Keen, rounding things off with a smoothly executed 1910 Fruitgum Company. Keen's signature Rabbit Junk helped her stay in the game but Barkley responded neatly with a classic The Mad Capsule Markets manoeuvre.
Just when it seemed that Keen had Barkley on the ropes with an expertly delivered Cactus World News followed in quick succession by a forceful A Trunk Full Of Dead Bodies, Barkley came back with a game ender that was either borne out of desperation or a clever psychological ploy.
"Nickleback" he said.
And Keen, unable to destroy her hipster cred by acknowledging that Nickelback was on her radar, was forced to pretend that she had never heard of them, ceding the championship to Barkley.
Said a judge: "It was a great play by Barkley. I mean who's ever heard of Nickelback? Not me, that's for sure. I've never listened to them, nor have I purchased any of their six studio albums."
Barkley is the proud winner of this year's prize which is the right to finally be able to listen to his Foo Fighters CDs without anyone laughing or saying "sellout"...
